Inspirational novel: My suffering, my university (7)

Inspirational novel: my suffering my university

[Suffering is a fortune, I have to thank it. Life is a river. No matter how deep the water is, you have to go through it to get to where you want to go. 】

I put myself in the hut and cried and wrote a suicide note in my diary. I wrote wildly over and over again, "I hate this dark world, I hate unfair fate, I hate..." A series of hates, I don't know who to hate specifically. I only feel that the whole world is unfair to me.

I chose to hang. The rope is a nylon rope for pulling the cable. It is a very thin and strong rope. It can't be solved with a dead button. It can almost break the neck. This kind of suicide is common in rural areas. I even saw a new wife hanging in the neighboring village. When my tongue stretched out, I couldn’t get back. Terrible is terrible, but it can solve the problem.

Before I came to the implementation, when I stood on the stool and hung the rope on the beam, many of them were on my mind--it didn't matter if I died. Can the mother withstand such a huge blow? The death of her father, she has already "dead" once, will I have to let the weather-beaten mother "die" again? What about Meihua? She was only 12 years old and was reading the first day. I promised to let her finish the middle school. Without her sister and mother, how can she survive in this remote land?

The affectionate affection softened my suicidal will, I jumped off the stool, put away the rope, and wiped away the tears. Life does not believe in tears, even if you turn your tears into pearls, the gray life will not shine.

However, the idea of ​​leaving this cold world has not been completely erased from my heart. Later, when I was beaten by my parents or when my parents quarreled, I wanted to commit suicide. Very eager to commit suicide. Suicide has also been committed. I wrote 10 suicide notes before and after, wrote burns, burned and wrote. So far, I still have a suicide note written in the summer of 16 years old. But I can't remember what was irritating that day and wanted to commit suicide.

The idea of ​​wanting to die is from the age of 15 and runs away from home until the age of 19. In addition to the attempted hang, I once again took a rat poison.

At that time, I poured all the two packs of rat poison that my mother had hidden in the wall into the cup. I thought the poison should be soaked. But after the rat medicine was poured into the water, it didn't precipitate for a long time, and it didn't melt. I smelled it and it smelled bad. I wanted to hold my nose and drink it. Suddenly I was afraid that if I couldn't die, it was a joke. How do you meet people in the future? After painstaking thoughts, I finally dismissed the idea of ​​drinking rat poison and wanted to find a way out. Later, I skipped the river again and cut my wrist with scissors. But every time, at a critical moment, I can’t think of my mother and my sister. It’s all halfway. Later, I realized that suicide is really a silly and stupid thing. I still have so many wonderful life experiences that I have not experienced. It is so dead. It is too embarrassing.

I am very glad that I have not succeeded in committing suicide. I am very glad that I have spent the rainy season in the flower season safely. I am very glad that I am still strong and finally stayed on the day when the clouds opened.

No matter how dark life is, there will always be a place where Mars shines. And the Mars that illuminates my dark life is undoubtedly a book. In order not to irritate my parents, I no longer have to pay for books, only to look for people to borrow books. There is a high school student in the village who has already worked in a textile factory. He loves books. He has a small wooden cabinet filled with world famous books and magazines. The high school student is very gentle. I basically won't go back empty-handed when I ask him to borrow books, but he only borrows one copy for me at a time. After reading one copy, he will change it. I borrowed "Gone with the Wind", "The Romance of the Three Kingdoms", "The Journey to the West", "The Collection of Balzac", "How Steel Is Made", "Dream of Red Mansions", "The Collection of Tagore" and "The Collection of Lu Xun" from high school students. "Notre Dame de Paris", martial arts novel "White Hair Witch Biography", "Book Sword Enemy", "Snow Mountain Flying Fox", the journal "October", "Woodpecker", "Qingming", "Harvest" and so on. For nearly two years, the small bookcase of high school students became a rice cylinder for me. I can't put down those books, and I read them in bed. Walk on the road, read while eating, go to the toilet and read. At any time, there will be a book in my pocket. In the evening, in order to play with the stepfather, I begged Meihua to deliberately delay the time for homework, and those books fragrant my entire boring flower season life.

Whenever you read some good words, read them in the diary. What "life can have a few strokes", "Whoever plays the game, he will accomplish nothing. Who does not dominate himself, is always a slave" and so on. I also quietly copied some of my love verses. Those books made me realize a philosophy of life: man must have two worlds, one is reality and the other is spiritual. If the real world makes us suffer, then we will be comforted from the spiritual world. This kind of comfort comes from our heart. We must use our heart to feel the good things in life, indulge in suffering and unable to extricate ourselves, blaming others, and learning to save ourselves. I dominate my own destiny.

I was inspired. Mountains and stones have life in my eyes. They exist to improve my life. Without this stone mountain, I don't know what to rely on to maintain my life. Without it, my will, my self-confidence, my persevering personality may not be honed.

[It turns out that in a person's life, there are many comprehension feelings that are felt at ordinary and unintentional moments. If it weren't for me, if it wasn't for the stepfather to send me a dressing change, if it wasn't for the stepfather to bear me through the riverside pier, I would How can you easily abandon the misunderstanding and resentment that the stepfather once had? 】

After crossing the 16-year-old river, I arrived at the other side of the 17-year-old. The three-year career in Meteorology has made me a brilliant quarry. The body is strong and the arm is strong. When walking, the foot is like a spring, and it is full of elasticity. Each meal can effortlessly pull the two bowls of rice on the pickles.

At the age of 17, the true yellow army can not conceal my youth. At first, some young miners looked at my back. Someone started to play with me innocently, and I suddenly realized that I had grown up unconsciously. Growth is painful, but it does not stop growing.

But what I did not expect was that on the eve of my seventeen-year-old New Year's Day, the disaster would once again fall from the sky and slammed on my hopeful head.

At that time, the donkey board was eliminated and replaced by a tractor. The tractor was opened by a foreign villager. Whoever grabs it first will be pulled for. It was a sprinting sport that was no less than the first place in the sports meeting. As long as the shadow of the tractor was seen far away, the waiting crowd would rush out with a hundred-meter sprint. This requires a very strong speed running function, I have trained it. As long as I and other tractors rush to a tractor at the same time, I usually take the lead.

However, I lost my hand that day, I ran too fast, and the tractor did not slow down before I arrived. I walked on the tractor pedal in the fly with my experience, and at the same time reached out to grab the railing on the tractor. But I didn't hang it up like a bottle as usual, because the tractor's pedals were frosty, and my feet slipped, and people quickly slipped between the tractor's front and rear wheels. Exclaimed in the ear...

I will know that I am finished when I fall. In the light stone fire, I saw the huge rear wheel of the tractor pressed against my face. I instinctively turned my head. This behemoth quickly passed my left foot through my left leg and pressed my left body from my The left ear whistling away...

I was lying in the middle of the road, my head was awkward, I couldn't feel the pain, I thought I was dead. But I clearly saw someone coming to me. Someone picked me up. Someone helped me to stop the car and sent me to the hospital. I was chaotic in my mind. I was lying in the arms of a person, and the car was bumping. I looked up at the sky, the clouds of white sky blossoming, unpredictable. I suddenly thought that if I had a cloud, I thought about where to go, no disaster, no pain, no troubles and concerns. I watched the free-floating clouds for a long time, and my heart was as dead as dead.

In the infirmary of Hirayamaguchi, I saw my wound, the right foot was the most severely wounded, a comminuted fracture, a hole in the ankle, and the white bone inside. The wound in the left leg is deep and the blood flow is not limited. I trembled to ask the doctor if I would be disabled. The doctor vaguely said that it depends on the recovery.

Can I be a blind man? Scorpion? God!

When the mother heard the news and came to the township health center, she cried when she entered the door. "If you have three long and two short, how can you live with a mother..." I haven’t been crying since the accident. I can’t help but burst into tears. My mother’s hair is gray. The wrinkles on the face are vertical and horizontal, the mother is old, and I have not grown up completely. I am still suffering from this disaster, and I am sad for this. Why is the god of destiny going to my desperate times again and again?

I was pulled home and lying on the bed.

The cabin is as cold as water. The cold wind that had been blown from the deciduous treetops was smashed from the cracked stone wall, like a pair of cold hands touching and touching my cheeks, and the tip of the nose was red. The injured leg was plastered and hidden in the quilt. As long as it did not move, the wound did not hurt. The pain is the heart.

After the car accident, his stepfather's face became more and more gloomy. He rarely came to my room. I often heard his angry roar from the wall. I know that he played it because I can't go up the mountain and lose a medical bill. I am very guilty and desperate. I don't hate my stepfather. I understand his anger. I could have half of the family burden for him. Now, he can only rely on him to support the stormy home. Can he not be annoyed?

The injured leg is to change the medicine frequently. The stepfather is looking for someone to borrow a scooter. The car is covered with straw. The straw is covered with my quilt. I am wrapped in a quilt and then pulled with my mother and aunt. I was pushed and sent me to the hospital for a change of medicine. Originally, there was no need to so motivate the public. If the stepfather would pull me alone, the mother would not be assured of his father's temper. He was afraid that he and the doctor could not tell, and insisted on pulling the aunt.

My home is about ten kilometers away from the city's second hospital, and half of it is a muddy road with uneven pits. The stepfather was pulling in front, and the mother and aunt were on the side of the car with one left and one right, and the face was as anxious as the footsteps. The wheels of the cart are pressed from the small stones from time to time, and the injured legs are also suffering from pain in the bumps. I don't say anything, and the buzz is useless. The road that is bumpy again, the passing will always pass.

In order to cut corners, the stepfather is preparing to transition from Huolonggang. Huolong Port is a tributary of the Yangtze River. The Yangtze River in the winter is a bit thin, and the river is still cloudy and turbid. The ferry is a cement barge, one after the other, busy shuttle. Originally, I wanted my mother to help me get on the boat. My stepfather said that the riverside road slipped and I couldn't let me wrestle. I must carry me back. I had to obey the stepfather's back. The stepfather's back was not generous. The blue khaki top also contained the dust of the ore. The patch on the shoulder blade was layered. Although it was a cold winter, the stepping stepper was already hot. Sweating, the body emits a strong sweat and sour taste. What makes me feel sad is that I usually didn't notice that my stepfather's hair has been spent more than half. If it is not forced by life, if it is not the drag of our orphans and widows, then the stepfather who is less than 50 years old is so old. ?

Usually, I hate my stepfather a bit, hate his coldness, hate his bad temper, hate his inhuman taste, hate his loud voice... And at this moment, all hate becomes the understanding and tolerance of his stepfather. It became love and touch. For the first time in my life, I hugged my stepfather's neck tightly, and a string of tears sneaked down my cheeks...

For the first time in my heart, I screamed with emotion - Dad!

It turns out that in the life of a person, there are many comprehensions that are felt at ordinary and unintentional moments. If it weren’t for me, if it wasn’t for the stepfather to send me a dressing change, if it’s not the stepfather’s burden on me to cross the riverside pier, how can I Will you easily abandon the misunderstanding and resentment that the stepfather once had?

When I went home through the Ruangang Road, a song was being played on the radio of a tobacco and alcohol outlet. "No god, no land, no god, no home, no family, no you, no you, me... ...I raised you to grow up, give me a home..." This song, called "Drunk Wine Sale", I heard in the radio broadcast on the mine, I have not seen this touching movie, but I know This is a song that a foster daughter sings to her adoptive father. I remember the lyrics in my heart, I think, if there is a chance, I must sing this song to my stepfather.

[Cry and drink while crying. Drink while crying. Think while drinking. After drinking today's wine, I stepped into the 18-year-old threshold, but which door can lead to spring blossoms? 】

The 1987 New Year's Day is a memorable day and an unforgettable day. The first time I drank alcohol that day, I was drunk for the first time and I was hurt for the first time.

In the twelfth lunar month, the family grinded tofu and rice cakes, fried the meatballs, bought a squid, cut a few pounds of meat, prepared vegetables, and the Chinese New Year dishes were basically ready. My sister and I also made a new dress. Even though we only spent ten dollars to make a new coat for the old cotton coat, we are still very happy.

Early in the morning of the 30th, the stepfather went to the town to buy a bottle of "Drunken Dasheng" liquor. The stepfather returned to spend three cents. At four o'clock in the afternoon, every household in the village rushed to set off firecrackers for dinner. There is a saying in the countryside that the sooner the meal is eaten, the better the next year. Xu is the reason for the New Year. Parents are in a better mood, and the voice is much milder than usual. This makes me more happy than the New Year.

The stepfather washed two small glasses of white wine and asked me to accompany him for a drink. It’s me who can have a drink with my stepfather at home. In the 30th year of the year, our family of four, eating a "cooked pot" around the steaming coal stove. There are bacon in the pot, green vegetables, tofu, winter powder, and meatballs, which are very rich. My mother likes to eat tofu, my sister likes to eat meat, and my stepfather likes to eat bacon. I can eat anything. Chinese New Year is very good, parents don't quarrel, and there is meat to eat, and they won't be jealous. They don't have to work. There is no happy New Year at any moment in the world. It would be nice if it was a New Year. I think all the children in the world have this hope.

The stepfather poured the wine into two small porcelain cups. The liquor was as clear as the water, but the wine was very strong. I first toasted to my stepfather and said, "Dad, I wish you good health." The stepfather took a look and seemed to have not been used to being blessed. My mother put a piece of meat in my bowl and said, "As long as your legs are getting better soon, it is more important than our health. Today is your 18th birthday. Hello, we are all good." Mom’s words made me a nose. Sour, I looked up and poured a glass of wine into my mouth. On the first day of the 18th, I tasted the taste of white wine for the first time. The wine was so hot, like a small snake with a pepper, and it was drilled into the stomach.

Later, my stepfather and I had two more drinks, and the two drunk about three or two. There is still a large white bottle in the bottle. I feel a little faint in the head, and the feeling of dizziness is particularly beautiful, like a pair of cotton-like hands squatting in front of me, elegant, wonderful, dreamy...

I slept very well that night. The first time I experienced the magic of wine. So, on the afternoon of the New Year's Day, when my parents and my sister went to the aunt's house to eat, I took out the bottle of the first day and drank the remaining white wine, steamed a bowl of meatballs, and then sat alone at the small table. Eat a loin of meat and drink a glass of wine. At the beginning, it seems to be very chic and a cup of wine. When a bowl of meatballs is eaten, the six or seven liquors are also bottoming out. Liquor is not good to drink, but the first day I experienced the wonderful feeling after the drunkenness. I thought it would be more wonderful to drink more. I don't know, after drunk, it will be better than death.

After drinking it, I cried while drinking. I don't know if it was drunk. I only know that I am thinking soberly about a lot of past events. I want to go home, go back to my hometown in Jiangsu, I want to go to my father to go to the grave, weed the graves of his graves, and I haven’t returned for many years. The grass of my father’s grave must grow into a green gauze account. Father, father, a father who is a painful sorrow in a corner of my heart... When I think of my father, I can’t control my sentiment and can’t control my tears. If the father is alive, our family will not experience so much suffering and ups and downs. Dear father, why are you leaving us early? ......

Cry while drinking. Drink while crying. Think while drinking. After drinking today's wine, I stepped into the 18-year-old threshold, but which door can lead to spring blossoms?

Later, I didn't know how to stumble down on my parents' bed. I wanted to open a four-inch black and white TV to watch the Spring Festival Gala. Just as I looked up, my stomach suddenly turned into the sea. I couldn't control myself and spit it up. I know that my parents will come back when I come back, but I can’t help myself. I can’t help myself.

I know very well that I am drunk, but my mind is clear, but my body is anesthetized. I shed my head and sat on my parents' bedside, vomiting and smashing my heart, like a hand grabbing my stomach, turning it over, and pouring everything out...

I don't know what my parents are coming back. I only remember that I had a hot towel on my head and I was blamed by my mother's anger. I still remember that I grabbed my mother's hand and stubbornly shouted: "I want to go back to Jiangsu, I want to go back to Jiangsu..." Then I thought, my subconscious mind about my hometown has never been cold because of the nightmare of the past. On the contrary, because of the hardships of life in Anhui, I miss my hometown more and miss my dead father. That kind of nostalgia is a kind of mourning that hurts people more than drunkenness.

My 18th birthday was spent in this hangover. No cake, no wish, no blessing. A tragic birthday is like the firecracker confetti that night, and it was quickly blown away by the cold north wind, and it never went back.

[The night seems to be particularly long, there is a feeling of waiting for heaven from hell. I kept burying in my mother's ear and said: Let's endure it, it will turn on, the doctor will go to work, and you will be saved... When it is dawn, my mother is already mad, my face is yellow and terrible, my hands and feet are cold. . 】

I just planted the 18-year-old threshold, even though it was still not spring.

My legs were gradually able to walk down until after the Spring Festival, when the river at the door had begun to thaw. Spring is here, and my 18-year-old spring is coming as scheduled.

After the legs are better, I still go up the mountain and stone. But the left foot has not recovered yet, only with the right foot, and hopping. Mother helped me move the stone, I am jealous. Some drivers who drive the tractor will also take the initiative to pull stones for my family. My life turned a corner on the edge of the cliff and drove up the original track.

However, the disaster is not alone, my legs are just right, my mother is sick. From April to May, my mother often lie in bed. She said that her chest hurts, she will say that her stomach hurts, and she will say that she has a stomachache. I don’t know which part is wrong. The stepfather yelled at her all day to go to the hospital to see a doctor, but her mother was reluctant to lie in bed and refused to go. I know my mother, she is holding hard, I don’t want to waste money, I can get through. Rural people are so hard to treat sickness. Until I can't support it, I will be reluctant to go to the hospital. I will often suffer more because of the worsening of the illness, spend more money, and even drag on to the disease.

Finally one day, my mother can't go on. It was July 1, 1987. I went home at night. Suddenly I didn't hear my mother's embarrassment. I thought her condition was relieved and her mood was relaxed. Unexpectedly, as soon as I entered the room, I was shocked when I saw my mother's face. The mother's face was like a walnut covered with yellow paper, wrinkled and sallow. Her bare arms and thighs are also yellow. I opened her shirt and the whole body was a sallow! She curled up on the bed like a dying cat! I suddenly fell to the extreme: Mom is not going to die, right?

When his stepfather came back, he was frightened. After he turned around in the house, he shouted and called to go to the aunt's house. The stepfather is a person who has no backbone. Whenever he encounters any accident, he will go to the aunt's house for the first time. My sister Meihua was in front of her mother's bed, and her heart was like a knife. If the mother is dead, in this world, even the grass that is worthy of our sisters' dependence is gone. How can we live down?

Soon, my uncle and my aunt came, and Dr. Wang. Dr. Wang looked at her mother's eyelids and immediately concluded that it was acute cholecystitis. It seems that the jaundice has broken and must be sent to the hospital immediately. It is too late to be safe.

That summer night in July, the summer night with a strong sweaty smell, the summer night that became extremely embarrassing in my mother's illness - let me have a lingering fear! I, my stepfather, my aunt, and the Nianbaozi, four people carried the heavy bamboo bed with a pole, and the mother was lying near the coma on the bamboo bed, and rushed to the city in the middle of the night without the moon.

But when we carried it for more than two hours and finally sent the mother to the Wuhu Railway Hospital, the doctor on duty in the emergency room just said with a blank expression: "Now the doctor is sleeping at home, only wait until 8 o'clock tomorrow morning. I can only treat after work. "My uncle whispered to the doctor and said, "Now the patient is almost out of order. I beg you to treat it first." The doctor was impatient: "I told you, now the doctors are sleeping in their own homes." How do you treat you? Do you bring money? If you bring money, you should go to the hospital for the first time!" Father touched his pocket and said to the doctor: "Doctor, I only brought more than one hundred yuan, is it enough?"

The doctor didn't lift his eyelids and said coldly: "The hospital deposit is 300 yuan. It can be hospitalized after the delivery." The stepfather was stunned again, and the door was big again. There was still a cry: "What can I do? Where is this person?" Lived..." Speaking and holding his head on the ground. On the bamboo bed, my mother curled up into a ball, and the long cockroaches made people short and short. The uncle and the year-old son took turns to talk to the doctor and pleaded, but it was useless.

At that moment, I hated the doctor who had no human touch. I cursed their iron heart in the teeth. Asking the doctor to be fruitless, the father and the uncle had to go back to raise money. The father put 146 yuan in cash into my hand. When my doctor went to work, I first went to see my doctor. They left, and I and the year-old child guarded the mother who was huddled together, in the corridor of the hospital, from dark to dawn. That night seemed to be particularly long, and there was a feeling of waiting for heaven from hell. I kept burying in my mother's ear and said: Let's endure it, it will turn on, the doctor will go to work, and you will be saved... When it is dawn, my mother is already mad, my face is yellow and terrible, my hands and feet are cold. .

Mom, you must not die!