Learn to agree with yourself

If someone disapproves of you, what a terrible event! Why do people disapprove of such a big threat? Perhaps your reasoning would be like this: "If someone disapproves of me, it means Everyone may disapprove of me. It means that I am doing something wrong."

If this idea is applied to you, your emotions will rise every time you are hit. You will reason and say: "I got some positive feedback, so I can feel good."

Why is this illogical? Because you ignore the fact that only your thoughts and beliefs can evaluate your spirit. Other people's approvals can't affect your emotions unless you believe that he or she is right. But if you think you should be praised, it is actually your belief that makes you feel good. Before you experience the rise of your emotions, you must first recognize the praise of the outside world. This recognition represents your personal self-recognition.

Suppose you are now visiting a mentally ill area in the hospital. A confused hallucinatory patient came to you and said to you: "You are great. I got a revelation from God. He told me that the 13th person coming in from the door is the special messenger of God. You are the first 13 people, so I know that you are a God-selected person, a peace prince, a holy one in the sacred. Let me kiss your shoes. "This extreme praise has raised your emotions? You actually You may feel nervous and upset because you don't believe what the patient is saying is correct. You don't believe in this evaluation. Only your own beliefs can influence the way you feel. Others can say or think about everything they think about you, whether it is good or bad, but only your thoughts will affect your feelings.

For your approval, the price you pay is that the perception of others is extremely fragile. As with any other addiction, you will find that you must constantly use your approval to satisfy your habits in order to avoid the pain of recovery. Once someone who is important to you expresses dissatisfaction with you, you will collapse in pain, just as an addicted person can no longer get the "things" that satisfy his addiction. Others will use this vulnerability to manipulate you, you will yield and meet their requirements, because you are afraid that they will reject you and look down on you. You will set yourself up because of emotional extortion.

You may already understand that your quest for approval is not your advantage, but you still believe that others do have the right not only to judge the strengths and weaknesses of what you say, but also to judge your value as a person. Suppose you visit the psychiatric ward for the second time. This time another patient with a fantasy has come over and said to you, "You are wearing a red shirt, which means you are a devil! You are the devil!" You will be because of this criticism and Do you feel bad if you disapprove? Of course not. Why is this disapproval not going to bother you? It's simple - because you don't believe these words are true. To make yourself feel bad, you have to "buy" someone else's criticism - and believe that you are really bad.

If someone disapproves of you, will it really be his or her problem? Disapproval usually reflects the irrational beliefs of others. To take an extreme example, Hitler believes that the Jews are inferior. This hateful doctrine does not reflect the true intrinsic value of the people he intends to destroy.

Of course, on many occasions, disapproval will be due to your own actual mistakes. So you become a bad person with no value? Absolutely not. The negative reactions of others can only be directed at a particular thing you do, not your value. People don't always do the wrong thing!

Let's take a look at the other side of the coin. Many famous criminals have a lot of enthusiastic admirers, even though they have committed many repulsive and hateful crimes. Think about Charles Manson. He has committed ill-treatment and murder, but he has been regarded by his countless followers as a prophet who seems to be able to do whatever he wants. I want to clarify first that I am not in favor of any cruel behavior, and I do not admire Charles Manson. However, you may wish to ask yourself questions like this: If Charles Manson is not completely rejected because of what he has done and said, what do you do to make everyone reject you? What about you? Do you still believe in such a formula: for = value? After all, Charles Manson is highly flattered by his "family". Does the recognition he accepts make him appear to be a very valuable person? Obviously nonsense.

Indeed, the approval will make people feel good. There is nothing wrong with this feeling itself, it is both natural and healthy. And in fact, disapproval and rejection often make people feel bitter and unpleasant. This is the shared feeling of human beings and it is understandable. But if you continue to believe that favor and disapproval are the right ultimate measure of your value, then you are still stuck in the rushing waters.

Have you criticized others? Do you disagree with your friends? Have you blamed him for the behavior of a child? When you are annoyed, do you overwhelm the person you love? When someone When the behavior brings disaster to you, do you choose not to cooperate with him? Then ask yourself - when you disapprove of someone or criticize someone or oppose someone - have you made other People are completely worthless, not the ultimate moral judgment of a good person? Do you have the right to make such a thorough judgment on others? Or do you only express the fact that you hold different opinions because Are you saddened by what others have done and what they said?

For example, when you are angry with your spouse, you will say, "You are not good at all!" But when the anger subsides in a few days, don't you admit that you greatly exaggerated his or her "bad aspect"? Indeed, there may be many mistakes in the person you love, but is it not ridiculous to think that your disapproval attitude or criticism will make him completely permanently worthless? If you admit that your disapproval does not include So many moral forces to destroy the meaning and value of other people's lives, why do you want to give others the disapproval of attitudes to sweep away the power of your personal self-worth? What makes them so special? When you are not because of someone When you like your trembling fear, you exaggerate the wisdom and knowledge that this person has, and you underestimate yourself and think that you can't make a reasonable evaluation for yourself. Of course, someone may be able to point out shortcomings in your actions or mistakes in your thoughts. I hope they will do this because you can learn something in this way. After all, we are all imperfect, and others have the right to tell us from time to time. But, do you have to make yourself feel miserable every time someone criticizes you, and always hate yourself or devalue yourself?

The root of the problem is: Where do you start with this kind of approval? We can only assume that the problem lies in your childhood interactions with people you think are important. You may have such a parent. When you do something wrong, they improperly criticize you, or when you don't do anything wrong, they get angry with you. Your mother may yell at you: "It's not good to do that!" or your father will blurt out: "You always mess things up. You don't learn at all!"

As a child, you may be respectful to your parents. They teach you how to talk and tie your shoes, and most of what they say is right. If Dad says, "If you violate traffic, you will be crushed to death," the sentence is literally correct. Like most children, you might assume that almost everything your parents say is right. So when you hear that "you are not good" or "you don't learn at all", you believe every word and every sentence, and you are greatly hurt. You are too young to reason, saying: "Dad is too exaggerated, too general about things." Your emotions are not mature enough to see that Dad is very angry and tired, or drink too much and want to be alone. With. You can't tell if his outburst is his problem or your problem. If you are older, you will find that he is unreasonable, and you will see things as lucid as possible, and your efforts will soon make the meaning behind what the father said is meaningless, and Eliminate its adverse effects.

No wonder that every time someone disagrees with your opinion, you develop a bad habit of subconsciously belittle yourself. It is not your fault to take this attitude as a child. You can't blame you if you don't see this when you grow up. However, as an adult, you have the responsibility to think realistically about these issues and take the appropriate steps to get out of this particular fragile zone.

How does this fear of disapproval of opinion lead to your anxiety and depression? John is an architect who is 52 years old but still not married, and he is very afraid of criticism. Since the depression has been repeated several times, although he has not been able to disappear for several years, he has to come to the treatment again. One day, he felt very good, so he was very enthusiastic to find a boss with a new idea for a major project. The boss shouted at him: "Wait a minute, John, you didn't see me busy?" John's self-esteem collapsed. He walked back to the office with a sullen look, felt very desperate, and hated himself. He said to himself that he was useless. "How can I not think so?" he asked.

When John told this episode to me, I asked him a very simple question: "Who is stupid? Is it you or your boss? Have you taken inappropriate behavior? Or are you The boss is very annoyed and unhappy?” He thought for a while and began to understand who was the real culprit. It is very likely that the boss’s very annoying thing is not directed at him, but because he has developed a subconscious habit of blaming himself, he has produced such an impression. After he realized that he had never done anything that made him feel ashamed, he was a lot easier. The reason why his boss was cold was probably because he was under a lot of pressure that day, so he didn't have a good mood that day.

Then John raised another question: "Why do I always desperately want to be praised, why did I become like this?" Then he remembered something that happened when he was 12 years old. His only younger brother died tragically because of long-term leukemia. After the funeral, he accidentally heard the conversation between his mother and his grandmother in the bedroom. His mother cried very sadly: "Now I have nothing to be done." His grandmother replied: "Hey, John is still in the hall! Be careful what he will hear!"

After John told me about it, he began to cry. He has already heard these comments, and they mean to him: "This shows that I don't have much value. My brother is important. My mother doesn't really love me." He never told other people what he heard. For years, he tried to drive this memory out of his brain. He said to himself: "It doesn't matter whether she loves me or not." But he desperately uses his achievements and career to please his mother. Try to get his compliments as much as possible. In his heart, he does not believe that he has any real value, and regards himself as poor and unlovable. He tried to make up for his lost self-esteem by winning the admiration and appreciation of others. His life is like continually inflating a balloon through a hole.

After recalling this, John began to understand his irrational response to the comment he had heard in the hall. The reason why his mother was so bitter, she felt lost, this is the normal reaction of any parent who lost her child. Her comments have nothing to do with John, but her expression of depression and disappointment.

Using a new perspective to evaluate this memory helps John see how illogical and damaging himself is to tie his value to the opinions of others. Perhaps you are beginning to understand how unrealistic the belief that the outside world is of importance. In the end, only you can guarantee your continued happiness, and no one else can do this.