Still alive, live alive

Someone gave me a private letter saying that Cheng Hao passed away. I didn't take it seriously. Because I didn't know the person who sent me a private message, and I just saw Cheng Hao knowing the dynamics of Douban, I thought: How is it possible? But that person said that he just looked for Cheng Hao on QQ. It was Cheng Hao’s mother who told him. I immediately went to the way to know the hobby and Douban, and found that the recent recent development was on August 17, four days ago. In the four days, he was completely undynamic. And his last article said that he had a cold.

The man also said that he had just sent a private letter to the team and said that he hoped something to commemorate. But I smiled and felt that it was no longer necessary. Because others will commemorate, they will never really understand him.

I remember that he once asked me: "Is there a nine-square grid input method on the computer?" I hesitated, thinking, what should I do on the computer? I remembered that he told me that his condition made him not even double. Hand typing, he used the mouse to point the soft keyboard. I thought about it carefully. It seems that there is no such thing. I helped him to ask questions: Is there a computerized PC-side Pinyin nine-grid input method on the market? Is the production cost high? Unfortunately, it seems that there is really no market.

Many people think that many of Cheng Hao’s answers are very good, but you can know that when we are “following the title master” and “seeking the fold”, it’s really hilarious, like a gold, one word at a time. Through deep thoughts. Because for him, typing is not an easy task. We can just tap the keyboard and say a few cool words, but he can find a letter and a letter down, you can try to see how hard it is. Because it is not easy, so cherish it, don't want to waste the weight of each word.

Another time he joked with me and said, "I am not a comrade. I like girls. I haven't talked about love yet."

I suddenly remembered that I had a heart attack in my sophomore year. At that time, I didn't know how serious my heart disease was. I only felt that my chest was pounding and fluttering. It was very intense. I almost spit it out. My eyes and tinnitus were almost unconscious. I don't understand medicine, thinking that it is heart failure often said on the Internet, thinking that I am going to die. I was crying all the way the teacher sent me to the hospital because of the pain in the body and the fear in my heart.

At that time, I thought, I haven’t filial to my parents yet. I haven’t graduated from college yet. I haven’t worked yet. I haven’t even talked about love yet. It’s so dead, too unwilling.

I can not be reconciled. I really don't want to be willing.

The moment I confirmed Cheng Hao’s death, I remembered my own self. I suddenly felt that he was very unwilling when he died. Haven't talked about love yet, haven't really been serious about pursuing a girl, not even getting out of bed, walking, taking a walk, looking at the scenery in the garden, listening to the old people in the park twisting and singing songs, so die It’s too reluctant. Even if there are more people wishing him "good to go" at this time, he must have gone very badly, and he is not reconciled. We have such a shortcoming, leaving early, no one is willing.

When everyone puts us a label of "positive energy", "inspirational" and "strong", only you know how much you are unwilling when you die and when you die.

I always remember that Yi Shu wrote in "Xi Bao": "I want a lot of love. If there is no love, it will cost a lot of money. If there is no money, health is good." There is no health.

Every day, I receive many comments saying that I am "strong", "positive energy" and "inspirational" under the answer of the persuasive suicide. I suspect that Cheng Hao will certainly receive those comments every day. To be honest, I didn't feel very happy with the comments, because I always felt that if I could choose, I would rather not suffer from these sufferings.

I remember that the restaurant manager in "Xunzi" said to Li Qing: "We are such a person, it is God who opened our jokes. If possible, no one wants to choose this path. But now it is necessary to go. Go straight to the right. Don't let those who think they are normal, we can't afford it."

If possible, I believe that Cheng Hao will not want to be such a patient. He would rather be healthy and use his hands to type the keyboard and chase the beautiful and lovely girl instead of becoming a so-called "strong" person.

We are "strong" not because we want to be strong, but because we are reluctant. If possible, I certainly don't want my dad to be seriously ill. I don't want my sister to be infertile. I don't want to hide my true sexual orientation every day. I can take my loved ones home in a frank way. .

Cheng Hao has one answer that many people in real life like to use disabled people to teach and teach others. For example: "Anyone like this can do it. How can you not have a hand or a foot?" I don't know how painful it is for those disabled people.

It is as if many people say that Cheng Hao is so sick, he can still survive and be worth learning. My father is alive and well, my life is awkward, and I still insist on going down. It is worth learning. I don't know that every time we "acclaim" us, it is painful for us. And this pain you can never feel the same.

We can encourage you, I am very pleased, but please don't say it again and again. I will be sad myself. It is worth sharing to the people who are suffering, but it is definitely not something worth to show off. We hope that our experience can encourage others to be right, but it is not so morbid to want to show off their pain.

Things have happened and I have to do this. Did not have to choose. For you, you can live casually. For us, if we don't work hard and live well, there is really only one way to die. It seems that for many people, “people are difficult to dismantle” is a very funny topic, but only those who are really hard in life know how true this is. The days have been so bitter, I have to read more warm stories to encourage myself, can't you? Life is bitter, so I warm myself.

Others only regard our life as a story of "inspirationality", but we ourselves have to bear the pain of all joys and sorrows. For example, Cheng Hao suffers from pain every day, such as his death now. For example, when I go home every day, I must see my father’s morbidity. For example, one day in the future, I have a heart attack, violent street, or being sexually discovered by my parents. Is Dad alive and mad? I don't know. I just have to pass. I just think that if one day I am violent on the streets, I will not be reconciled. For many of you, it is just a bit of an episode of the "inspirational" story. You looked at it and lamented it. After a three or five days, I forgot. Sometimes I think it is just "Hey, I remember there are so many people."

If I know that everyone else is taking "inspirational" under my nine springs instead of really understanding my sadness, I will be even more reluctant. I don't want those "strong" labels, as long as I am a normal person. If there is a choice.

When I confirmed that Cheng Hao was dead, I was a little sad and my tears fell. I am not sorry for him. I am very shallow with him, and I will sigh at most, but I will never be sad. I am sorry for myself. On the way to work, my heart is particularly sour. I am thinking, when I die one day, will it be very unwilling?

For us who are unhealthy, living is a treacherous thing. If it weren't for my heart disease in the past two years, I don't know how hard I have to live. But I know how unsatisfied he is every time my dad gets sick.

There are so many things that have not been done. Cheng Hao. My father. I.

Did not use words with both hands. Did not chase a good girl. I have not enjoyed the years of tricks.

Did not look at his son to establish a family. No grandchildren are often accompanied by knees. Did not enjoy the stable old age.

I didn't have a place to go and have a look. Did not walk with the most loved ones on the street. I didn’t even seriously pursue the life I wanted. Not married. Did not have children. Did not raise children to grow up.

Nothing is possible anymore. Not reconciled.

But I will not be willing to know that everyone will die. Some are not willing to change, some are not willing, maybe they can change. The health that has been lost can't be made up in this life. Maybe the next thing is not to be reconciled. For example, about life and dreams.

Don’t be so reluctant when one day I die. I don't want to sigh the vicissitudes of years that have passed since the late years. I don't want to be reconciled now, I will not be reconciled in the future. At least some things can be done, I don't want to waste my vain life.

If you are still alive, you must be warm and alive. Don't feel that there are many regrets at the moment of death, and there are still many unwillingness.