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Writing poetry is easy to change poetry


On January 28, 2019, on the last day of the Spring Festival holiday, I thought that I would go to work the next day, so I wanted to have a rest in the evening and I was already sitting on the bed at 10:30. At this moment, I received a newsletter, an old-style poem sent by a friend who had never met, and clearly asked me to make specific amendments. The title of the poem is "Participation in the 20th Anniversary of High School Graduation". The whole poem is as follows:
The object changed for the stars to move to the autumn, and the classmates met with each other;
Spring breeze peach and a glass of wine, people to middle-aged and strong-minded!
At this time, I only want to fall asleep early. If I criticize the words, it may cause the brain to be excited and cause insomnia. This kind of experience used to be often and now I really don't want to have it. So I read this little poem carefully twice, and felt that the whole poem was “flat and straightforward, without any sustenance”, so I immediately replied to the reader with the intuitive feeling of these eight words. Pointing out the problem directly, and without a bit of affirmation, I thought that this thing would stop here, so I could sleep peacefully and sleep peacefully. Unexpectedly, this reader is a person who is very serious about poetry creation. I have not waited for me to sleep peacefully, he sent a revised manuscript, the whole poem is as follows:
One out of the school gate twenty autumn, the same window today Muse swim.
Huatang gathered in the evening, and the wind blossomed in the years.
Moreover, it is particularly emphasized that "please comment on this poem." It seems that it is difficult to have a good feeling, and it is necessary to have a better explanation for this reader. So, I had to sit up, turn on the lights, and carefully review his revised manuscript.
First look at the title of the poem. "Participating in the High School Graduation Twenty Years Alumni Association", this topic does not seem to have any problems on the surface, but there is still room for negotiation. The problem is the use of the word "feeling". Looking through the old-fashioned poems from the past and the present, the poems ending with “feeling the fuss” are quite a few, which can be said to have been passed down from generation to generation. It can be said that many people only know the use of the lineage, and did not think carefully about why they should use it. The ancients used the "feeling of feelings", which is equivalent to saying "what is the feeling". Everyone knows that the purpose of writing poetry and lyrics is to express the chest, of course, it is made with feelings. Since everyone knows that poetry is dominated by lyrics, then the end of the title of the poem plus the word "feeling" is a bit redundant, and it is inevitable that there is a suspicion of painting. Taking this small poem as an example, the title deletes the word “feeling the fuss”, but it is more concise and clear, which shows that it is dispensable.
Look at the content of the poem again. The first sentence, "One out of school, twenty autumns", from now on to the past, narrative from the perspective of time, means that time passes very fast, and it has been two decades since the blink of an eye. It is the usual way of writing graduations with “out of school”. However, there are many classes in a school, and there are many students who are “out of school”. If you want to narrow the scope and express the classmates here, you can change the "school" to "teacher", which may be more appropriate and accurate.
The second sentence, "The Same Window, Today's Muse Tour," is also a narrative, specifically writing this class meeting. The author used a "遂" character, which on the one hand expressed that everyone at the class meeting was very happy, and on the other hand, it was not easy to hold this class meeting. "Siyou" means that this class meeting is an objective description. If you want to put the students in, you can consider changing the "s" to "same", and making such a modification can also produce the beauty of the loop in the sound, making it more pleasant to read.
The third sentence, "Hua Tang is gathering in the evening," is not well written. According to the requirements of "starting, inheriting, transferring, and combining", the third sentence should be transferred. Obviously, the second sentence is to write a class meeting. The third sentence is also to write a class meeting, and the content has not changed. The first two sentences are narratives, and they are very plain. If the third sentence is still dull, then the whole poem may be plain and unremarkable. Therefore, this third sentence must be changed. I sat on the bed, and there was no information such as rhyme books on hand, so I had to rely entirely on imagination. On the basis of the original, I changed this third sentence to "Huashan's sword carving and bowing", comparing the students to the martial arts masters, and comparing the classmates to the Huashan sword. This is equivalent to describing from another angle. This class meeting. The revised sentence not only reflects the progress of the students in their careers after 20 years, but also looks forward to the future prospects of creating new achievements. The content is much more vivid and richer than the original ones. This is more in line with the writing of poetry. Claim.
The fourth sentence, "The wind is blooming in the years", belongs to the method of writing the scene and secretly affecting the emotions, and should be modified accordingly. The students are full of prosperity, full of pride, and a beautiful future, so the final sentence can be modified to "Sheng Shixiong's retired rewards." Special attention should be paid here. The "Year of the Year" is written in the years, and the "Year of the Year" is written by the students. Why should we change the "遒" to "reward"? Because the main body of this poem is the students, always write around the students, all other content must serve the performance of people.
The last revised draft. After the above analysis, the poem was revised to:
After attending the high school graduation for 20 years, the class meeting will be out of the 20th autumn.
Huashan is on the sword and bowed, and Sheng Shixiong is rewarded with years.
It took half an hour before and after, and finally changed this little poem. So I quickly sent it over, took time to sleep, and went to work tomorrow.

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